This will probably be my most raw, vulnerable, and honest post yet. This is my story.
When I was in the 7th grade my life began to fall apart. Along with hormonal changes, a couple from my church who has mentored me and loved me told us that they were getting a divorce. I loved them like they were my parents. On top of that my brother, who I really admire and look up to, was planning on joining the Marine Corp.
I don’t remember why, but I began self-harming in 8th grade. This nasty habit and negative coping skill has left me more than broken. Once my parents figured this out they sent me to therapy where I met my first therapist we will call R. R was great and we worked though a lot of stuff. She was great and I looked up to her but soon things changed. She grew impatient with me and looking back she was probably dealing with something personal. She told me she would rather be home with her kids or relaxing at home. I became heartbroken that she wouldn’t give me more time to open up. I really struggle with opening up. One day R decided she had enough and quit on me.
My parents thought that maybe I didn’t need therapy now. I felt like they didn’t believe me and that R didn’t either. I began planning my suicide attempt. The compulsive thoughts would not leave me until that day which I swallowed the pills. I called the pastor at my church and he took me to the ER.
After that I went to a recovery group place. It was fun and I really enjoyed it. I liked the support and help I was getting. Soon insurance was done paying for this and I had to quit going to the group. But then I found a new therapist who we will call L. We worked together for about a year then I decided to call it off because she did most of the talking and she didn’t give me time to say what I wanted to talk about.
Leaving L, I met my current therapist, M. M has been amazing. She has helped me work though so much. We have gone to the deep and the dark places as well as experiences of joy and contentment.
My mental health has improved with the help of a great support system. Along with my doctor and therapist, I had people from church who mentored me and helped me through the dark times. I still struggle with anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide or self harm. Depression and anxiety keep me trapped on a daily basis. I am learning to overcome. I am learning healthy coping skills. I wish I could say it has always been this positive but it’s not. A month ago I was hospitalized again for the third time.
I always hated it when people said “It will get better!” Yes, it has, but the struggle is still there. I don’t think I will ever be cured from anxiety and depression. It has been the thorn in my flesh like Apostle Paul says. When I am weak then I am strong. God’s strength shines in me and through me when I am weak. He makes me strong.
There is hope in Jesus Christ. I wouldn’t have been able to get through these times without Him. This does not mean I have always been a devote Christian. I have gotten mad at God, screamed at Him, rejected Him, blamed Him. I have been so angry with Him. But by His grace, I can still run back to Him and He will greet me with open arms and a friendly smile.
He is there, my friends. He is calling your name. Run to Him.